When Hoops Was Young: an Anthology

by Hoops

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'When Hoops Was Young' collects recordings from nearly every era of Hoops' career as a songwriter, from his work with the Salt Babies and el Club de los Mejores Amgios to Black Cum and Japanese Boy Band, to solo material and one-offs; hear Hoops bare it all: the masterpieces and the flubs, the pain and the fun; and find out what it's like to be this particular kind of person.


The Salt Babies = tracks 1, 9
el Club de los Mejores Amigos = tracks 2, 13, 14
EMO-TICON = tracks 8, 10
Japanese Boy Band = tracks 5, 6, 11, 12
Black Cum = 7, 18

track 3 with Glenn Calvert, written by Wckr Spgt
track 4 with Us Thieves
track 16 with Austin Archer, written by Austin Archer
track 17 with Chrissy Bjornn, from his 'Merry Chris-mas' album.

track 15 is the only song without accompaniment

all songs were written as they were recorded except where noted otherwise.


released August 25, 2016




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Track Name: Ostriches on the Farm

Me and Tim live on the farm
With lots of ostriches in our arms
(Our arms, our arms)
We run and play and have fun all day
(In the daytime)
With the ostriches in our arms
They lay eggs the size of small babies
(Oh those babies they lay eggs the size of are so small)
We have so much fun with the ostriches on our farm
(On the farm)
Ostriches on the farm
Ostriches on the farm
Ostriches on the farm
So much to ride and play
And be with ostriches all the day
(Play all day, play all day with the ostriches)

Ostriches on the farm
Ostriches on the farm
We like to run and sing all day
Fly away with our ostriches
(Oh fly away, let's fly)
Some are tall and some are small
Some are fun to shoot with BB guns
(BB guns, BB guns, oh baby)
Some drink fire and some drink water
(Water, they love water)
It really sucks when Ostriches fight
they bark and they also bite
(They bite so very hard)
I remember one day
The ostriches bit off Micah's eyes
He had to go to the emergency
But that's ok cuz we got free tea
(Free tea is what we received)
Ostriches on the farm
Ostriches on the farm
(Ostriches on the farm)

We like to run and play all day
With the ostriches along the way
(All along the way, Ostriches play all day
(Ostriches they love to play
(On the farm they play all day)
Hey look here comes one now
I wonder if he thinks I'm a cow
(A cow, a cow)
Ostriches on the farm
(Ostriches... ostriches... ostriches...)
Track Name: Bearman, Keeper of the Woods

Don't go talkin' to the bearman keeper of the woods
Don't go talkin' to the bearman keeper of the woods
He'll come right down and he'll tear your face off with his claws
Now you don't want your face ripped off by his claws

So don't go talkin' to the bearman sittin in the woods
He'll be your friend but he'll never do you any good
Track Name: Santa Fucks His Elves (Wckr Spgt)

words by Wckr Spgt
Track Name: Song for the Construction Workers (with Us Thieves)

Constructions fuckin up your day
Dude no, seriously though fucking constructions ruining my day
every time i drive down the fucking hwy some fuckin ass construction worker is putting these big-ass cones in my way, slowin my ass down, i'm trying go 85 down the freeway signs say go fucking 50, i'm sick of this shit. so you know what i'm gonna do? i'm gonna run his fucking ass over

I'm gonna... I'm gonna rev rev rev rev rev rev the engine
gonna rev rev rev rev rev the engine
gonna rev rev rev right out of cruise control
gonna lose control on his ass
put the petal to the floor
bust his jacket wearin' ass up
that stupid lil helmet wont protect him
when my bumper comes
crashin 70mph right thru his spine

well the right lanes closed ahead again
and i am gonna get yr head for this, for this
yr eating so many hamburgers
i'm tired of watching you eat
all you ever do is tear up my street and eat
so i'm gonna rev rev rev my engine
gonna rev rev rev rev my engine
gonna rev my engine and i'm gonna lose control

rev rev rev rev rev rev rev rev rev the engine
why the fuck is it 55 mph again?
Tucker, why are you so mad again?

Cuz the constructions fuckin up my day
just wanna drive peacefully down the hwy
but i cant do it, no i cant go very fast
when this construction worker's sitting on his ass
blocking me with cones, keeping me in the left lane
keeping me alone

so im gonna rev rev rev rev rev the engine
run his ass over, rev the engine end his life
bust his spine, break his legs, break his pelvis
watch his guts explode all over the windshield
watch his ass blow up on the windshield

nothin can save your soul
nothin can save your soul
im gonna crack your skull
im gonna crack your skill with the car
Who's gonna pay for the fucking car wash
who's gonna clean up the guts and blood and guts and piss and shit all over my fuckin car?
Track Name: For Josh, with Love and Sorrow

Oh josh since you been gone
My life is filled with such sorrow
And there's no hope of you coming back tomorrow
Cuz yr gone, gone for months
Yr across the sea and gone out of my life
There's no summer left
Without yr face

Josh, I hope yr having fun
And Josh, I know that yr having such fun
And I'm trying, trying the best that I can
To have fun in yr absence
To do what I can to be happy
Without yr face, without yr grace
Without you in this godforsaken place
But when my days are lookin grim
At least I got Tim

But this duo is so sad when it's not a trio
But we're doing the best that we can
We're doing the best that we can
Yeah we're doing the very best that we can
But josh, oh josh, josh oh josh, oh josh
We miss you like fucking hell
And we'll miss you tomorrow as well
Track Name: If We Had Any Say We Wouldn't Be Here Today

Once upon a time
in a time so long ago
Black Cum was born in the span of four years
and we were all born without our permission
cuz if we had any say we wouldn't be here today
we wouldn't be here at all, we wouldn't live another day
if we had any say we wouldn't be here today
if we had any say we wouldn't be here today
if we had any say we wouldn't be here today
but the fact is we are
we're gonna really far
we're gonna convince everyone
that our life is the way
it's the only way for you to be okay
and if you dont believe us
we're gonna kill you
Track Name: Safran Furr

We're gonna go to the liquor store
we need to get some jack and coke
we're gonna get real fuckin drunk
yeah pouring some whiskey now
gonna get real fuckin drunk
(forget your face till I wake up)
we're going now to the liquor store
we're riding our bikes
cuz our cars got towed
for parking in the fire zone
it doesn't matter, we thought
nothings a flame
so no one will care
if we park in the red
but the fire came and some people were dead
yeah burnt to a crisp
cuz our cars were in the way
we learned a valuable lesson on that day
so don't go parkin yr car in the fire zone
you'll never know when a fire comes
and the smoke, it filled our lungs
it filled our lungs
and suffocated all of us
yeah in that smoke
some people passed out
as they choked
so we got out of the fire
we made it safe
as the flames grew higher
and when we reached the fresh air
our friends were there
yeah our friends were there with tearful eyes
thinking that we had died
but we didn't die
not then, not now
no we gotta live
we'll live somehow
for our time is not up
we gotta sing
we gotta sing
we gotta sing
for you, for you, for you
we're singing for you
Safran Furr
we sure hope it pleases you
so we wrote this song
(it's what we do)
we wrote this song
for the two of you
cuz when we almost died
in that fire
we were in a coma
and when we opened our eyes
the first thing we thought
was where are you
Safran Furr?
Track Name: Ode to Rmac

We miss you so much

When will you come back?
we love you, yr so tall

Rmac, come back to me
We need you to guide us
Beautiful, beautiful angel Rmac
You taught us so much
About the world
And the dangers in it
We need you to guide us

Come back to us
We love you, we need you

Rmac, Rmac
So tall, so tall
Six foot five of beauty

So tall, you're breaking my heart again

We miss the things you do
We're begging for you
(Dark orange and normal)
But fuck Porsche without you
We miss you, we love you
The beautiful angel of light
Track Name: The Little Indian / Yr Never Coming Back (Cuz Yr Gone)

It's winter and it's freezing cold
But I got a fire to keep me warm
If I could give anything
It would be to have you with me tonight
To keep me warm
Cuz this fire cant keep all the parts of me warm
oh this fire is pretty hot
But yr body keeps me warmer than it
So hold my hand like you used to
I remember the times and the things we used to do
But now yr gone and yr never coming back
But i wish you'd come back
I wish you'd come back to me
I know there's things I shouldn't of said
And I know that when yr gone i wish i was dead
But if there's something i gotta say
It's i'm sorry baby why did you go away?
I'm sorry i laughed at the things that you said
When you were trying to be serious
I just left you there
And I'm sorry
I promise I wont act like a fool again
Cuz all I wanted was for you to love me
But I didn't love you enough
To keep you here
I wish you would have stayed
But I, I screwed that up
Now I gotta pay for what I did
I wish I wouldn't have done that but I still did
Now there's nothing nothing nothing nothing
That I can do to get you back
You gotta back, I need you back
You gotta come back to me
Cuz I need you now, I need you now
I need you here, I need you now
I want to hold yr hand like we used to
When we walked in the park after dark
And you got scared of the noise in the bushes
And I said 'don't worry it's just the wind'
And you still said 'well i'm still scared'
And I said 'yeah I know but I'm here now
'I gotta do it somehow, I'm gonna love you forever'
But I stopped loving you forever
And it made you leave
And then I got mad
Yes it really made me mad
I got so pissed off that I threw a fit
And I called you a bitch
But I didn't mean it, I didn't mean
I didn't mean it, I didn't mean it
And I wanna take it back
I wish I could take it back
But I can't take it back
Cuz yr gone
Cuz yr gone and that's how its gotta be
I wish you could see all the love in me
That I wanna give to you
But it's not coming back
Cuz yr gone
Track Name: This is Profound
Track Name: You Need Not Worry About Josh

Josh didn't know just what he was gonna do
He was on a plane to Spain with no place to stay
But when he got there he found some anarchists
They took him to a squat and they fed him lots to eat
They fed him lots of drugs, they fed him lots of booze
He got so fucking fucked up

So one thing that I've learned:
You need not worry about Josh
He always figures it out
Figures it out without a doubt
He always figures it out

Oh Josh knows how to have fun
Better than anyone
He finds all the coolest shit to do
Track Name: Problematic Piano Picnic

Track Name: Bleedin' Out

I want to bleed out today
Take this knife
And cut open my veins
Watch the blood spill out
Down into the drain
To cure me of this unbearable pain

And I want to bleed out today
Take this gun and shoot out my brain
Watch the blood spill out
Down onto the floor
And when the brains come out
My pain will be no more

So I want to bleed out today
Take this knife
And cut open my veins
and watch the blood spill out
Down into the drain
To cure me of this unbearable pain
Track Name: Anna From Nashville (Austin Archer Cover feat. Austin Archer)

written by Austin Archer.
Track Name: Santa and Me (with Chris Bjornn)

What's that I hear? Can it be? Is it Santa's sleigh bells?

I dunno let me get a look!

Look out the window
What do I see?
Is that a red and red gloves friendly waving to me?
I dunno better open the door
He might want some cookies and maybe more

Its Santa Clause its Santa Cause
He's come to visit me
He's decorating everything to the lights on the Christmas tree
He eats candy canes and cookies with milk
And he;s so friendly too
Oh Santa clause oh Santa Clause i can't believe its you

So he walked in my front door
And came straight into my bedroom
And said 'it's really nice to spend the holidays with you'
I said 'oh Santa yr being too kind to me there's other boys n girls you need to see'
And he said 'No I'm spending the whole night with you'

Oh with me Santa Clause
Is spending the evening
Oh with me Santa Clause
There's no one else this evening
Oh its Santa and me
Oh we're so happy
Cuz its Christmas you see
For Santa and me

Oh Santa and me

Well Christmas came and Christmas went
Santa Clause did not though
In fact he actually moved himself in
We got a bunkbed and cool posters on the wall
Yes, for Santa and Me

It's so great living with Santa Clause
He spends all the holidays not just Christmas
Think about new years, he might be my kiss
Oh I love Santa Clause, kiss him on the lips
Oh spring comes around and where's the Easter bunny?
Oh it doesn't matter cuz Santa is my honey
Oh Santa Clause
Oh Santa I love the new life we have
I'm know yr my friend
Yr my Santa man
Track Name: If I Had One Wish

If I had one wish
It would be to get fucked up every day
And forget about all the people I wanna kill
And forget about all the drugs that I don't have
And forget, yeah forget
Forget all this shit
And be happy once I'm dead
Cuz I heard you trip really fucking hard when you die
I wanna hallucinate
I wanna fucking die
Cuz when you die you fucking trip harder
Than any drug every invented
So please kill me slowly tonight
And please kill me peacefully tonight
And please kill me slowly
So I can trip longer
And trip, and trip, and trip
Until I die